Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Old Wounds

The trip to my Mom's was difficult. Unfortunately she was not in a very good space and Anne-Marie sensed that so she didn't like to go to her Grandma.

Even though Mom is in a different house than the one that I grew up in, I still had a huge struggle with the old wounds that were rearing their heads while visiting there.

It is only through grace that I was able to avoid falling into the old patterns of co-dependent behaviours and allow Mom to press my buttons. Fortunately, with the support of Lucille and by grace, I was able to stop those button presses pretty much at their source.

For those of us who have been abused by a parent, parents, or close relative(s) it can be very difficult to be peaceful and present to the moments as they present themselves while in the former abuser's presence. Even with the grace of a deep forgiveness and letting go it can be very difficult.
Thanks be to Jesus Christ for His grace, and especially for bearing my wounds on His person during His Passion and Death. It is through Him that I have been healed.

Pax vobis,

J.E.

2 comments:

Dorothy said...

Sir i pray that the lord will continue to heal you. I was blessed with wonderful parents and never had those kind of struggles, but my husband did and it has been something he hasnt healed from. It is something that has continued on in his adulthood and he has passed some of those behaviors on with our children. I just keep praying that the lord will reaveal this to him and change him. I hope that blogging does help with your struggles as it does with me. May the lord keep blessing you...

JohnE said...

Dorothy,

Lucille is the same way. She is blessed with a pretty good family too.
The journey to healing is difficult. It must begin with a decision that essentially turns what was my whole life and existance upside down. It must have commitment where none existed before. One of the biggest commitments, and also the one that can hurt the most, is to be completely and brutally honest with myself, my therapist, and those who are around me. Another, is to allow Someone into the spaces and wounds that no one had been allowed into before. That was really tough to do. Yet, Jesus is indeed the most gentle and tender of healers.
For me, the easy way out was to just keep on living as I was. Yet, I couldn't really do that because I could see that somehow I just wasn't being functional.
Again, the only way to healing is to embrace the Cross, and realize Jesus was there during even the most traumatic of times. Once that realization is made, those memories will begin to be just that, memories. They will no longer contain the power and punch they once had, nor would those memories bring about a deep depression or some form of dysfunctional behaviour.
This is of course but a glimpse.
Please be assured of our prayers for your family and especially your husband.
Pax vobis,
J.E.