Saturday, November 27, 2010

In the Midst of Grieving, Music

A couple of months ago, Lucille and I caught the first hour or so of the movie Titanic on TV. Lucille has seen it a few times while I have not seen it yet.

There is something about Celine Dion’s song My Heart Will Go On which is associated with Titanic that has totally hooked into my heart while grieving the loss of Dominic.

Every time, and I mean _every time_ I hear the song I break into tears.

There are some timeless truths about love spoken in the song.

Despite the shortness of Dominic’s life within the womb my heart and his are bound as a father’s and a son’s hearts should be.

The love that I have for my son Dominic is no different than the love that I have for our children here with us in this life.

It is near the end of the song (~3:40 Min) where the reality of our love breaks through the pain and suffering of losing him:

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

We will _stay forever this way_ as father and son. I trust that Dominic stands before the Throne of God appealing to Him on our behalf.

And, indeed he is safe here in my heart as is Lucille and our children.

Our Lady of Sorrows pray for us.

John Everett

Saint Josaphat - Hermit

Catholic Saints of the Day

Friday, November 26, 2010

When We Miscarriage, A Husband And Father Grieves Too

The old saying goes, “Hindsight is 20/20”. Though introspection and looking back can only go so far in the process of grieving and healing.

It is quite obvious that I as a husband and father will not grieve in the same way as Lucille does over the loss of Dominic.

However, _I do grieve the loss_ of our child. Though, I could not spend much time in any state of grieving during the first two to  three weeks after losing Dominic as I needed to be Lucille’s anchor in the midst of the trauma and pain of loss.

Kimberly Hahn in her book Life-Giving Love dedicates a whole chapter to Miscarriage and Stillbirth (Chapter 10). Lucille handed the book to me and suggested that I read it not long after we buried Dominic as that is when I started to let go and allow the grief to consume me.

Kimberly talks about some of the emotions that we can expect as we grieve (pg. 254):

  • Shock or disbelief
  • Feeling overwhelmed or numb
  • Deep sadness
  • Guilt toward ourselves
  • Blame toward God or others
  • Anger
  • Depression to the point where it is difficult to function
  • Relief

As much as I tried to be Lucille’s pillar of strength there were days where I was almost completely catatonic. The empty hollow feeling inside was so intense as to consume every ounce of energy just remaining somewhat present to Lucille and the kids all the while just lying there.

It has been a very long time since I have experienced a depression of that intensity. The past depressions were due to the intense trauma of the abuse I went through. This depression is entirely due to my feeling utterly helpless in the face of Lucille’s pain, our children’s pain, and my own pain.

The numbness has been just as intense. As much as I clamoured to embrace the Cross, to hold onto the Lord’s moment of utter loss (Matt 27:46) while hanging on the Cross, there was no consolation to be found in the midst of my grief. Though an image of the Pieta (Bing Image Search), that is Our Lady holding her dead Son after being taken down from the Cross, has been a source of comfort as Lucille and I can surely relate to her pain and loss.

It would be so easy to allow the anger to consume me to and walk away from my faith and deny Him Who Loves me. There have been times where putting a bridle on the anger has been extremely difficult. I am fortunate in that I can head over to our shop and allow some of it to be vented there without worrying about scaring Lucille or the kids.

There have been times though where I did cross the line with my anger. Fortunately, we can talk about what happened and I can and do apologise to Lucille and/or the kids when it did.

Even now, a month later, there are more down days than there are up days. Today was a very down day for all of us.

We parents are not wired to lose our children. Our parents, yes, we can deal with the grief. But there is something about losing one of our children that just rips our heart to shreds.

Our Lady of Sorrows pray for us.

John Everett

Blessed Hugh Taylor - Martyr

Catholic Saints of the Day

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Anatomy of a Miscarriage at 17 Weeks

Lucille and I lost our little one about 17 weeks into our fourth pregnancy. It has been a fairly rough ride since it happened late last month though we are starting to gain some level ground . . . at least to some degree.

Our little Dominic was definitely an Everett through and through!

  • He was about four to five inches crown to rump.
  • He had that unmistakable button nose that all of our children share.
  • His arms and legs had fully formed hands and feet.
  • His eyes were still sealed and his ear flaps were as well.
  • He had a bump . . . though this is not conclusive as far as his gender was concerned Lucille and I had a heart felt need to accept him as a male.
  • He was grey, very grey, when he came out.
    • He had apparently died sometime between one and two weeks prior to Lucille’s labour for his birth.
  • The cord was very thin (this turned out to be the cause).

Very early that morning we were very fortunate to have a great pair of EMTs, an ER doctor and nurses, and later that day our own OB-GYN in the hospital.

There is no doubt that we have lost our child. The pain that we have and are experiencing now does not lie.

Our Lady of Sorrows Pray for us.

John Everett

Feast of Saint Catherine of Alexandria

Catholic Saints of the Day

A New Look

We have updated the blog template to allow us a little more flexibility in the long run to work with Blogger’s setup.

John Everett