Fireproof-A movie about the Best and the Worst of Marriage

One morning, my husband and I were getting ready to go about our daily routine. I decided to have a shower before the kids woke up. Unbeknownst to me, John was having a shower in the other bathroom at the same time. Now our house has a limited capacity for hot water, so you can guess the rest. Both of us got a dose of cold water that morning. What a way to start a morning! But, fortunately we got a good chuckle out of it.

This is simply a small example of what the lack of communication can do in a marriage. If one goes one way and the other goes the other without communicating with each other, we get hit with a cold shower almost every time no matter what form that takes in daily life.

The movie "Fireproof" portrays a marriage in desperate need of repair with the divorce papers in the works where the lack of communication is but one of the troubles taking the marriage to ruins. But amid the destructive fire within the marriage a flicker of hope remains. One partner decides to go against his will and begin the process to try to re-ignite their love again. It started with advice from his father to do one unexpected act of kindness every day over 40 days for his wife. The story builds on that principle from there with all of its struggles, pain, and healing.

The sacrament of marriage cannot take place unless the couple goes through the marriage consent (Catechism of the catholic church, 1625-1632). One form of the dialogue that happens is as follows:

"(Name) and (name), have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?"

"Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?"

"Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?"

Priest (or deacon): Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.

Groom: I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Bride: I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Groom (placing the wedding ring on his wife's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Bride (placing the wedding ring on her husband's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-vows.htm

When one gets married, the love feels strong. That is why we get married right? We almost wear rose colored glasses in what is called the "romantic phase" (the first stage of marriage). I remember one of the best pieces of advice a newly ordained priest gave us when we were newly married that was, "Never forget the feelings you have now and keep them in your heart." At the time the comment was a little foreign of course, because how could this feeling disappear? I took the advice and remembered his statement. Now, after almost 7 years of marriage, I have never understood more the importance of these wise words.

Many know the saying that love is a choice and not always a feeling. When good times are replaced by tougher times, our love for each other is tested. Love is like a child. The child will test you and test you until you are black and blue in the face. The child wants to know how serious you are, as if saying, do you truly mean what you are saying? Love says, are you truly committed to the love you professed many years ago? The answer should consistently say, YES! I AM! I pledge my love for you for better OR for worse, till death do us part.

I recently listened to a CD recording of speakers Dr. Michael and Catherine Pakaluk. They spoke of an amazing testimony about how they came to where they were now with Catherine being Michael's 2^nd wife. His first wife died of cancer at the tender age of 41 leaving him with 6 children. Dr. Michael Pakaluk mentioned how he was standing next to his wife's grave at the end of the funeral, saying, "It is finished".

It was very touching to hear, not only because it paralleled what Jesus said before he died on the cross fulfilling His promise, but because his marriage WAS finished. His vocation of marriage to Ruth, his first wife had been fulfilled and it was good. The promise fulfilled is the epitome of what love truly is.

I believe that the vows we take within marriage should be kept in a special place so we can meditate on them especially when times are bad. When one gets married we have a pretty clear image of what the "better" part of our vows were. But, it's the "worse" part where things get a little grey. We see the "better" because our marriage commitment when first married is so new.

Let's face it, the longer we are married the "more intense" the temptations can be. We can choose to let the temptations go or succumb to them and sin. If we choose to act on the temptation, we will suffer the consequences. Sin can become a cancer unless we cooperate with grace to stop it from growing by saying, "NO" to sin.

When temptations come, the following are four ways we can choose to deal with them:

• Meditate on the wedding vows, especially the "for worse" part.
• Meditate on the scripture passage, "What God has brought together, let no man put asunder" (Mark 10:2-16).
• Meditate while looking at a physical picture or a mental picture of our family as opposed to dwelling on our selfish needs. Our family is a gift to treasure: My husband who is not perfect, our kids and the joy, innocence, and energy that they exude are truly gifts.
  • Do we really want to destroy what God has given or do we want to build our marriage and make it better and brighter no matter what the cost? We need to remind ourselves that what we have in front of us is beautiful and believe it.
• Last, but not least, we need to put out the flames of conflict with forgiveness and frequently receiving the sacrament of reconciliation. Forgiveness, acts of kindness (in the movie, "Fireproof", they called the acts of kindness the 40 Day Love Dare), and a serious commitment to change will be the water the marriage needs to put out the flaming fires before they become out of control to the point of destroying the marriage.

Take time to watch the movie "Fireproof" and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. Whether your marriage is heading for divorce or not, you will reap benefits. Listen to the theme song, "Waiting". Let the song pour into your being and let it speak to your heart. This song brought goose bumps to my skin for the longest time while hearing it. This song is truly a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

* For more information re: the four stages of marriage visit www.HelpOurMarriage.com

The Husband's Eyes of Love and Purity

They are the Eyes that won over the heart of Mary Magdalene.

What was it that Mary saw in the Lord's eyes when He first looked at her?

In our heart of hearts, the answer to that question is the Man that looked at her in purity and spoke to her as a person of dignity. She was not an object to be used by Him.

In the Purgative journey of the eyes, also mentioned yesterday in the post on A Husband's Contemplative Chastity of the Eyes, we as husbands, as well as prospective husbands, need to discover how it was the Lord looked upon every woman.

When we stop to think, pray, and contemplate how the look of the Lord was towards women we can discover in ourselves the source of that look: The Lord Jesus Christ resident within us through the power of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19).

When we discover that Source within, we can tap into Him and His gift of grace to let go of anything that we train our eyes on that is not of God. We can even begin to discover the motivation for looking at something or someone too.

Whether married or not, we can then begin to discover our sisters in the Lord in a chaste way . . . a way critical to maintaining fidelity in our marriage or fidelity to our Lord in the single life.

• St. Joseph, true man of chastity and purity, pray for us.
• St. Augustine, chaste lover of the Lord, pray for us.

John Everett

Feast of Blessed Joseph of Saint Hyacinth

Men, Given This A Listen

I reviewed the movie Fireproof (previous blog post) a while back.

It is a really good movie for husband and wife to watch together in a state of prayerful awareness.

One of the pieces of music associated with the movie is a song by John Waller called While I'm Waiting. The song is pretty awesome and when tied to our struggles and suffering has a deep meaning.

John has the Fireproof mix of the song on his Web site:

• John Waller: While I'm Waiting (Fireproof Remix)

Note that the song will kick in as soon as you hit the site.

Take a deep breath and listen with your heart, mind, and spirit.

Let the Lord speak to you through the words of the song and the characters in the movie.

He certainly has to me. Some of the words that He has spoken:

• Humility
• Kneel before her (Lucille) and express my awe of her and my love for her.
• Forgiveness
• Beg her forgiveness for my shortcomings and failings.
• Fidelity
• Be True to her in our Marriage Covenant.
• Chastity
• Be True to her in my body, mind, eyes, and heart.

John Everett

Feast of Pope Saint Boniface I

Our Wedding Anniversary, Modesty, and Fidelity

December 28, 2005 is the Feast of the Holy Innocents. It is also the day we were married in 2002.

After three years of marriage, Lucille and I were reflecting on the timelessness of it. Somehow, the last three years have past as though they were one moment in time. That, I believe, is a special grace in itself and a reflection of the time, energy, and work we have put into our marriage.

We have been blessed with a great first child in Anne-Marie, and are eagerly anticipating the arrival of Pitou, our second child now in the womb, in April. Great gifts are our children and very rewarding to have in our lives. Anne-Marie has taught us so much about life and ourselves. It has been a great education.

Just before our anniversary day, Lucille and I were discussing her article* on modesty. I must admit that modesty is something that is very much undervalued in our society today. It is practically impossible to go anywhere by car, transit, foot, or any other method without someone around having exposed flesh or some form of media environment and/or medium pushing something or other via flesh or sex.

Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet. CCC 2522

Before marriage, I still found this tendency to expose flesh disappointing and disheartening. I tended to sense in my heart that something was amiss in the woman who dressed, or un-dressed if you will, in this manner. (For the purpose of this article, un-dressed is defined as one who is scantilly clad or dressed in very tight or revealing clothing).

To me, a woman's eyes are her most important feature. It is there, in her eyes, that I would discover whether she would be a worthy friend, someone who would hurt me, or someone who didn't even acknowledge my existence.

The first time I saw Lucille, something about her caught my eye. She was dressed modestly, and yet, I was attracted. Once the opportunity presented itself to look into her eyes, I knew in my heart that I had finally met someone who I could become good friends with. That much was very apparent as she has very peaceful and gentle eyes.

After Lucille and I married, I came to realize concretely why I have a real hard time with un-dressed women. My wife is a very beautiful woman, and she has a unique and awesome way that she carries herself. Back in the day we called it, "poise". She carries her personal worth, dignity, and integrity in her poise. Through marriage, she has gifted herself to me.

So why, since the mutual love and gift of self that Lucille and I share is so intimate and beautiful, would I even begin to want to see anyone else's flesh or physical items? Does this un-dressed woman not realize that she is sharing an intimate part of herself that only her (future) husband, or in the case of one consecrated to virginity and/or a religious community Jesus Christ, should see, touch, and experience?

What kind of male, as James B. Stenson* mentions, does the un-dressed woman want? A predator or a protector? A predator will focus on her, because to him she may be advertising sex. Without realizing it, to the predator she is also presenting her vulnerabilities. The protector will want to shield her to some degree, but in my experience, she will push him away for the predator.

As Lucille mentioned in her article, a woman who contracepts needs another form of attraction mechanism since, without realizing it, her phermones no longer flow due to constant infertility. Thus we have in many cases, the un-dressed woman compensating for her lack of phermones.

But I say this to you, if a man looks at a woman lustfully, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28

Whether married or not, what a man does when he sees the un-dressed woman is directly connected to whether he, while a teenager or young adult, chose to become a predator or protector. If predator, he will be thinking along the lines of what he can get out of and from the woman. If protector, if at all possible he will be averting his eyes and, if the situation permits, somehow making a connection through the eyes with the woman, the real person.

The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honourable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude. CCC 2362

A man and woman, in Sacramental marriage give themselves as a complete gift to the other. The gift of self encompasses the whole person, the spiritual, mental/emotional, and physical self. Here are some observations and questions on un-dressing and fidelity:

1. A woman who is married and who un-dresses when she goes out is essentially sharing a part of her gift with other men than her husband.
2. Does she see herself as a gift, or as an object for her husband, and perhaps other men?
3. Does she allow her own eyes to get caught up in a male other than her husband?
4. Does her husband see her as a gift to be received, and the gift of himself to be offered back and received by her mutually? Or, does he see her as a way to sexual gratification, or some other selfish need? This question can be asked in the reverse form for her.
5. A man who is married and allows his eyes to be caught up in an un-dressed woman other than his wife is expressing a desire to share his self gift with another woman.

As has already been mentioned, a husband essentially belongs to his wife and she belongs to him. If one of the spouses in any way has given themselves over to desiring after another, or allowing another to desire them, then some part of their gift no longer belongs to their spouse! It now belongs to that other! Remember, the gift is spiritual, mental/emotional, and physical. No one part of who we are is exclusive of the other.

Fidelity expresses constancy in keeping one's given word. God is faithful. The Sacrament of Matrimony enables man and woman to enter into Christ's fidelity for his Church. Through conjugal chastity, they bear witness to this mystery before the world. CCC 2365

Fidelity to one's spouse by guarding one's gift for them is important to maintaining a strong marriage! It is important to note that this fidelity can be eroded in very tiny steps ... just an overt glance here or there, taking the time to turn one's head to catch another glimpse, or flirting with another, etc. Essentially one makes a conscious decision to share one's gift with someone other than their spouse in some way, shape, or form. The temptations and the decisions start very small and work their way up to terrible consequences in a hurry!

Prayer: Lord Jesus, help us to be faithful to our spouse or future spouse. Help us to discover our true dignity and self worth that we find in You alone. Help us to live chastely in our marriages. Teach us to discover the true meaning of the giving of ourselves to the other as You do Sacramentally in the Eucharist, and did in Your Passion, Death, and Resurrection. Help us to keep the focus of our entire self on You and our spouse.

Thank You Jesus for the self giving love that we can offer in the gift of ourself to our spouse in marriage. Thank You Jesus for the total gift of love that we receive from our spouse in marriage. Thank you for the gift and fruit of our married love that we discover in our children.

Fidelity to one's future spouse, whether Jesus or a person in the future, also starts from a very young age. It involves something that can be very difficult for a young person to grasp: looking at the big picture or having a long sighted view on life. And yet, if the young one has made a birthday gift for their parent or friend, and they open it before that day, how would the gift giver feel?

The parents, father and mother, are instrumental in teaching the child to have the long sighted view on life and love.

With the understanding of self as being sacred and a gift; being formed with the humility needed to have a deep prayerful relationship with Jesus Christ in the Eucharist, Church, and others; the witness of a father who chastely loves his wife and a mother who chastely loves her husband the child will have the tools needed to grow up understanding the foundations they need to dress modestly and protect their virtue. These tools will also give girls the ability to see whether a boy is a predator or protector, and the boys the ability to realize that they must make a choice as to whether they will be a predator or protector.

As parents, we turn to Our Lady and St. Joseph for the ultimate witness in bringing up our children in relationship with God the Father.

Prayer: Mary, our Mother, teach us as parents to bring up our children with a deep relationship with God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

St. Joseph, teach us to live chastely, teach us to have a pure heart that is focused on our spouse, or future spouse alone.

Thank you Mary and Joseph for giving us such a beautiful example of love and fidelity in marriage. Thank you both for sharing with all of humanity the gift of your love for Jesus Christ!

Pax vobis,

J.E.

Lucille's article on Modesty.

James Stenson's Web Site.

Update: A work in progress. Some changes to the grammar and the addition of a couple of CCC quotes. Pax.