Fireproof-A movie about the Best and the Worst of Marriage

One morning, my husband and I were getting ready to go about our daily routine. I decided to have a shower before the kids woke up. Unbeknownst to me, John was having a shower in the other bathroom at the same time. Now our house has a limited capacity for hot water, so you can guess the rest. Both of us got a dose of cold water that morning. What a way to start a morning! But, fortunately we got a good chuckle out of it.

This is simply a small example of what the lack of communication can do in a marriage. If one goes one way and the other goes the other without communicating with each other, we get hit with a cold shower almost every time no matter what form that takes in daily life.

The movie "Fireproof" portrays a marriage in desperate need of repair with the divorce papers in the works where the lack of communication is but one of the troubles taking the marriage to ruins. But amid the destructive fire within the marriage a flicker of hope remains. One partner decides to go against his will and begin the process to try to re-ignite their love again. It started with advice from his father to do one unexpected act of kindness every day over 40 days for his wife. The story builds on that principle from there with all of its struggles, pain, and healing.

The sacrament of marriage cannot take place unless the couple goes through the marriage consent (Catechism of the catholic church, 1625-1632). One form of the dialogue that happens is as follows:

"(Name) and (name), have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?"

"Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?"

"Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?"

Priest (or deacon): Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.

Groom: I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Bride: I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Groom (placing the wedding ring on his wife's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Bride (placing the wedding ring on her husband's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-vows.htm

When one gets married, the love feels strong. That is why we get married right? We almost wear rose colored glasses in what is called the "romantic phase" (the first stage of marriage). I remember one of the best pieces of advice a newly ordained priest gave us when we were newly married that was, "Never forget the feelings you have now and keep them in your heart." At the time the comment was a little foreign of course, because how could this feeling disappear? I took the advice and remembered his statement. Now, after almost 7 years of marriage, I have never understood more the importance of these wise words.

Many know the saying that love is a choice and not always a feeling. When good times are replaced by tougher times, our love for each other is tested. Love is like a child. The child will test you and test you until you are black and blue in the face. The child wants to know how serious you are, as if saying, do you truly mean what you are saying? Love says, are you truly committed to the love you professed many years ago? The answer should consistently say, YES! I AM! I pledge my love for you for better OR for worse, till death do us part.

I recently listened to a CD recording of speakers Dr. Michael and Catherine Pakaluk. They spoke of an amazing testimony about how they came to where they were now with Catherine being Michael's 2^nd wife. His first wife died of cancer at the tender age of 41 leaving him with 6 children. Dr. Michael Pakaluk mentioned how he was standing next to his wife's grave at the end of the funeral, saying, "It is finished".

It was very touching to hear, not only because it paralleled what Jesus said before he died on the cross fulfilling His promise, but because his marriage WAS finished. His vocation of marriage to Ruth, his first wife had been fulfilled and it was good. The promise fulfilled is the epitome of what love truly is.

I believe that the vows we take within marriage should be kept in a special place so we can meditate on them especially when times are bad. When one gets married we have a pretty clear image of what the "better" part of our vows were. But, it's the "worse" part where things get a little grey. We see the "better" because our marriage commitment when first married is so new.

Let's face it, the longer we are married the "more intense" the temptations can be. We can choose to let the temptations go or succumb to them and sin. If we choose to act on the temptation, we will suffer the consequences. Sin can become a cancer unless we cooperate with grace to stop it from growing by saying, "NO" to sin.

When temptations come, the following are four ways we can choose to deal with them:

• Meditate on the wedding vows, especially the "for worse" part.
• Meditate on the scripture passage, "What God has brought together, let no man put asunder" (Mark 10:2-16).
• Meditate while looking at a physical picture or a mental picture of our family as opposed to dwelling on our selfish needs. Our family is a gift to treasure: My husband who is not perfect, our kids and the joy, innocence, and energy that they exude are truly gifts.
  • Do we really want to destroy what God has given or do we want to build our marriage and make it better and brighter no matter what the cost? We need to remind ourselves that what we have in front of us is beautiful and believe it.
• Last, but not least, we need to put out the flames of conflict with forgiveness and frequently receiving the sacrament of reconciliation. Forgiveness, acts of kindness (in the movie, "Fireproof", they called the acts of kindness the 40 Day Love Dare), and a serious commitment to change will be the water the marriage needs to put out the flaming fires before they become out of control to the point of destroying the marriage.

Take time to watch the movie "Fireproof" and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. Whether your marriage is heading for divorce or not, you will reap benefits. Listen to the theme song, "Waiting". Let the song pour into your being and let it speak to your heart. This song brought goose bumps to my skin for the longest time while hearing it. This song is truly a fruit of the Holy Spirit.

* For more information re: the four stages of marriage visit www.HelpOurMarriage.com

The Desert, Sin, and the Death of the Senses

One analogy that can be used to facilitate this meditation on our continued journey in the desert, is our experience of having spent a number of hours, or days on a boat. Once we get back to dry land, we will still "experience" the motions of the boat while on land for a number of hours, or even days depending on how long we spent in it.

Another analogy that can be used is a long trip via car. After spending 8 or 10 hours on the road, when one finally comes to their destination, one still "experiences" being in motion even though we are no longer in the car.

We in the West live in a society where certain factions go to great efforts to over stimulate us. Our spirits and senses are forever being bombarded by the many forms of media with one message or another. We have become so accustomed to this stimulation, that we now take that stimulation with us in the form of personal music players, personal DVD players, DVD players in the car, televisions in every room - even in the car! Ear buds in the ears, little view screens before the eyes, big view screens and surround sound at home, PDAs, cell phones, and constant contact devices, all provide to maintain our level of ongoing stimulation. Neither our personal or our professional lives are exempt from over stimulation.

All of this stimulation can be a very subtle seduction of our heart, mind, and spirit. The seductive intent is purely to draw us away from ever allowing us to enter into the desert, thus into a deeper relationship with Jesus, to provide a vehicle for us to run away from the desert, or in some way be our "Mirage".

Much like that ongoing motion that we experience after a long trip on the road, when we enter into the desert our perpetual stimulation has a "momentum" all to itself. The absence of the sources of our over stimulation will perhaps go unnoticed due to the fact that we still experience that stimulation within our heart, mind, and spirit. All of the visual, auditory, sensual elements are there for us at our imagination's "fingertips".

From the introduction to St. John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul:

What is really at stake in the spiritual journey to union with God is an ongoing work of purification, a cleansing of all that is repugnant to God's holiness. Collected Works p. 355 (Kavanaugh & Rodriguez)

The very specific Desert Call that we are focusing on here is one that requires a form of brutal honesty with ourselves. It is realizing how we have allowed ourselves to be immersed in all of the over stimulation, the "noise" if you will, in our daily lives thus leaving no room for God.

While in the desert, if we are attentive, the Holy Spirit will give us gentle inspirations to guide us towards the elements that make up our environment of over stimulation. We will be given insight into the methods that we can use to gain control over our heart, mind, and spirit.

When we speak of the senses, here are the traditional 5:

1. Sight
2. Hearing
3. Touch
4. Smell
5. Taste
   

We must remember, that everything we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste will also have spiritual consequences. It is for this reason, that when we have journeyed deeper into the desert and received the call of the Holy Spirit to purify our senses, we must find ourselves a spiritual director (SD).

With the help of an unbiased mind and heart in our SD, we will be able to work our way through the various sources of stimulation and begin to put limits on their place in our lives. These limits will help to clear a way for us to give time to our relationship with God. A neat benefit of this process is the discovery of more time for those around us! Our SD and the limits we set together will also help us to deal with the effects of the "momentum" the sources of over stimulation have.

From The Three Ages of the Interior Life by Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange O.P. (Volume 1 p.285):

The mortification of all that is inordinate in us is necessary:

1. because of the consequences of original sin;
2. because of the results of our personal sins;
3. because of the infinite elevation of our supernatural end;
4. because we must imitate our crucified Lord.

Everything has its time and place (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). In a marital relationship, one must live a life of service to their partner. One must make great efforts to build and maintain that relationship. If not, the marriage would surely die in divorce.

Just like a marital relationship, if we do not spend the time that the Holy Spirit is calling us to on letting go of all of the over stimulation of our senses, our relationship with God will die. We will experience the spiritual divorce of mortal sin.

Prayer: Father, thank You for the grace You have given us to enter deeper into our desert journey. Thank You for calling our attention to the things in our life that distract us from spending time with You and those that we love.

Thank You Jesus for giving us Your example. Thank You for first journeying into the desert to show us the way to be purified from those things that take us away from You. Jesus, help us to give over our wills one hundred percent to this purification process. Help us to discover the gifts that You have in store for us as we journey in the desert.

Jesus, in Your Divine Merciful Love, purify us of all that is not of You.
Jesus, in Your Divine Merciful Love, purify us of all that is not of You.
Jesus, in Your Divine Merciful Love, purify us of all that is not of You.

Holy Spirit, please keep inspiring us with the Light of Christ! Illuminate in us all that needs to be purged in order for us to be perfect vessels of Your Love! Grant us the grace to embrace this purgation!

*

Pax vobis,

J.E.

Further Lenten Desert meditations:
The Desert, Sin, and the Tangible Loss of Grace
The Desert, Sin, and the PPP Temptations
The Desert, Sin, and the "Great Mirage"

The Desert, Sin, and the "Great Mirage"

It does not take long for us to realize that we are hungry and thirsty after entering the desert. For some it is a few hours, for others it may be a few days.

The absence of the comforts we have grown accustomed to become noticeable. We are no longer receiving any consolation, we no longer experience any sense of peace, we can no longer find solace in the things we usually could.

Once in the desert for more than a few days, perhaps a week even, we become focused on the hunger and thirst, upon the pain of emptiness, and the seeming absence of God. It is impossible to listen, to hear what is happening around us due to our discomfort. The pain can be overwhelming in its intensity.

At some point we will need to make a decision: do we step away from the pain and discomfort and begin journeying deeper into the desert, or do we stay in our current place and then seek to go back to where we were comfortable?

Acceptance of where God has placed us, or rejection of that place? Realize that our pain and suffering is redemptive, or try and repress it, stuff it back down, and run away from it?

If we decide for acceptance and taking the next steps to journey deeper, then we must be prepared to face the coming challenges. If we decide to reject that place and God's call then we must accept the coming weight of responsibility for our action if not in this life then in the next.

When we have accepted the call to journey deeper into the desert, we may face a challenge that can be called the "Great Mirage".

We all have a tendency to place God into what can be termed a "box". That is, He must do, think, and act according to our vision, philosophy, theology, what have you of life. Whether we are conscious that this is our way of being/thinking/praying or not. Another way of putting it is, "my will be done because that is what God's will is".

The Mirage is the distortion of what life is truly about. We permit it to be established in our life by our refusing to open ourselves to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit in honesty and integrity. It then becomes our "vision" of what we think life is, however we are the ones in full control.

When the reality of the desert and its challenge given to us by the Father broaches into our vision - into our Mirage, and the Father's challenge is contrary to that vision, we might try and pass it off, brush it off, explain it away, or use whatever excuse we can in order to not face that challenge.

Sin is an act of our will against the will of God. It is to turn away from what God wants and to do what we want.

When we embrace the Mirage and refuse to accept the challenge that comes to us deeper in the desert, we are turning our will against the will of God. The Mirage will lead us no where, with the distinct possibility of us dying in that same spot we stayed in for much our life after having embraced it.

The Mirage is closely tied to comfort. And, in the spiritual life, comfort is spiritual suicide.

A practical example of one who was placed into the desert, and faced his own Mirage challenges, was St. Thomas More. His good friend, King Henry VIII demanded that he essentially renounce his faith and swear his allegiance to the king and the Church of England. St. Thomas More's struggles to maintain his position based on his faith were great. His staying firm was met with his eventual imprisonment and then execution when he patently refused to sign Henry VIII's Oath of Supremecy.

He could have accepted to sign that Oath. He could have worked with King Henry and his machinations to bring about an heir for his throne. He could have embraced the Mirage. But he did not and thus offered the supreme sacrifice of his life for Jesus Christ and His Church.

The Mirage begs of us these questions: Are we willing to go the distance, no matter what the cost? Are we willing to venture deeper into the desert, stepping beyond the Mirage, and the many more that will appear, to accept the aridity given to us by the Father? Are we willing to allow ourselves to have our complacency challenged? Are we willing to allow for the possibility that our preconceived notions may be wrong?

Prayer: Loving Father, You have placed us in the desert of Lent to challenge us to discover the depths of Your Love that can be found there. Help us to discover how to move our will into synch with Yours. Help us to offer up our pain and suffering while in the desert to You. Help us to discover the true gifts that we can find in the desert. Father, instill in us a deep sense of gratitude for the many gifts You have given us.

Thank You Father for the desert beauty. Thank You Father for sending Your Angels to support us and sooth us. I love You!

Pax vobis,

J.E.

The Desert, Sin, and the PPP Temptations

Continuing our meditation on the Desert, today we will take a closer look at what happens while we are there willingly or not.

When the Holy Spirit has called us out into the desert and we have responded, or in His Wisdom has placed us in there, it is a time for brutal honesty.

This type of honesty is a necessity in the desert. Why, you may ask? Because, while in the desert there are some very specific rules that one needs to follow in order to not only survive the experience, but to grow as a result of the experience.

• The desert is a brutal place to be. It is stark, with only a very highly adapted way of life allowing one to survive there. Look to St. Anthony of the Desert, the founding Desert Father and the writings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers.
• The only way to survive while in the desert is to be completely dependent on God for all forms of sustenance. Look to Jesus.
• One must trust that God has a purpose for placing us in such a brutal environment. The Father truly loves us.
• If we try and hide from God and what He is trying to work in us, the only "place" we have to go is essentially to bury ourselves in the sand.
• The "oasis" of attachment to places, things, or people will not sustain us for very long.
• Satan will try very hard to take advantage of our wounds and weaknesses as well as distract us from the goal of the Holy Spirit.
• And finally, one must give the Holy Spirit one's will completely while in the desert.

The Scriptures tell us very specifically that Jesus was lead out into the desert by the Holy Spirit to be put to the test by the devil! (Matthew 4:1, Mark 1:12, Luke 4:1)

Three very specific temptations are described to us in detail:

1. Turn the stone to bread (Possessions)
2. The offer of the kingdoms of the earth (Prestige)
3. The request to jump from the Temple height and have the angels save Him (Power)

We are also given an insight into the fact that the devil will manipulate the Scriptures to say what he wants them to when in the third temptation he quotes Psalm 91:11-12:

... he has given his angels orders about you to guard you wherever you go. They will carry you in their arms in case you trip over a stone.

A key to learning to survive the desert experience is to not concern ourselves with the, "why am I experiencing this temptation or that temptation", or, "where or who is this temptation coming from", but to focus on how we are going to deal with the temptation and then follow through on doing it.

If we focus on the why or try and discover where the temptation is coming from we are then sufficiently distracted from praying our way into discovering how we are going to deal with it.

Jesus shows us this method clearly in how He deals with each of the three temptations in the Scriptures. He focuses in on the temptation itself, not where it is coming from nor why it may be there, but He constructively takes the temptation apart to examine the best method of dealing with it, and then He follows through on turning it away.

The Father knows what He is doing. He draws us into the desert through the inspirations of the Holy Spirit to deal with something that is in between Him and us. He wants us to realize what it is that is holding our relationship back, and then He gives us the tools and the Grace to let it go.

The Father has given us the gift of Jesus heading out into the desert before us. He has given us in His Son a textbook example of how we are to live our desert experiences and also face and deal with our own temptations.

We can see that Jesus was indeed tempted with the big three: Power, Prestige, and Possessions. Had He succumbed to any of those temptations, He would have placed something in between Him and His relationship with His Father. The same is true of us if we too succumb to them.

Prayer: Father, we thank You and praise You for the gift of the Desert. We thank You for the shining example of Your Son's experiences while there before us. Fill us with Your Holy Spirit Father, help us to remain steadfast in giving our will completely to You. Help us to let go of everything that is interfering in our relationship with You!

Thank You Father, thank You Jesus, thank You Holy Spirit for the gift of Lent and the call to enter into the desert with Jesus!

Pax vobis,

J.E.

The Desert, Sin, and the Tangible Loss of Grace

In the desert we are faced with ourselves and with our God.

If we are honest with ourselves and in our response to the Holy Spirit when He beckons us to enter the desert, we will experience what could be a rude awakening.

In the desert, where the Light of Christ pierces our souls as the desert sun, all those areas within us that are in shadow and darkness will begin to stand out.

For, as the desert sun grows higher in the sky, so too the shadows and darkness no longer will have a place to hide.

The shadows are those little areas where we remain selfish, from cutting someone off in traffic, to saying no to the beggar, or doing something for self at the expense of our families, friends, and others. These little selfish things, these shadows, can grow into great rooms of darkness.

Sin "hates the light". (p. 889 New Dictionary of Catholic Spirituality)

The Light, the desert sun, belongs to Jesus Christ, and how we react to His Light, the desert sun, is a very real indicator of where we stand in our relationship, or lack of one, with Him.

If immersed in our own selfish world with no regard for the inspirations of the Holy Spirit to open ourselves to the Light, to the sun, we are in grave danger. A very real method of cutting off the Light is throwing up interior walls, barriers, curtains to prevent the Light from penetrating our shadows. Or, we may try and hide ourselves behind some form of induced constant busyness, obsession with some thing or someone, or perhaps we are completely focused on doing as opposed to being.

What? You want me to let go of what? Why should I do that? I don't want to! I like where I am, I am comfortable, leave me alone!

And therein lies the crux of the Holy Spirit's call to put out into the desert. It is a call to stand with our God and face our wounds, weaknesses, failures, our sin.

There is a point, and it is different for each of us, where we completely sever our relationship with God. We allow ourselves to grow in our selfishness, our sin, to the point where we completely push God out of our lives. This can happen gradually as we start down the slippery slope of entertaining our temptations to the point of gratifying them, or it can be a situation or event where we act or refuse to act according to God's Will in a very serious matter.

This point where we have turned our back on God completely is called Mortal, or Serious, Sin. Mortal meaning death, or a complete severing of our Life Line of Grace.

There are three conditions that must be met for us to completely sever our relationship with God, that is enter into a state of Mortal Sin:

1. We must have a clear understanding that the act, or lack of action, is contrary to the Law of Love and the 10 Commandments.
2. We must give our will completely to that act or inaction without any reservation or coercion.
3. The act or inaction must be very grave in nature and consequences.

We need only look to the 10 Commandments for a baseline of the kinds of actions or inactions that can constitute Mortal Sin.

Along with this baseline of the 10 Commandments there is:

• the Holy Scriptures
• the writings of the Saints
• a constant prayer to the Holy Spirit, Our Lady, the Angels, and the Saints

They will also help us develop our sensitivity to the sin in our lives. We will begin to see the contrast between the Light of Jesus Christ as it begins to shine within us, and the shadows and darkness that is our sin.

The desert gives us an opportunity to embrace the realization that we have in some way, shape, or form either turned our eyes away from or turned our backs completely on Jesus.

For us Catholics, we are given the Sacrament of Reconciliation as the means to bring ourselves back into right relationship with God. If Reconciliation is not available, there is also, hopefully, the opportunity for one to truly repent of one's Mortal Sin before death. Ultimately, one's state of grace in life and before death, that is relationship with God, can only be determined between that person and God.

It is in the Sacrament of Reconciliation where the Precious Blood of Jesus pours out upon our wounds and sin to cleanse our wounds and remove the stain of sin.

There are times where the loss of grace can be tangible. This is especially true for those who convert from a life lived willingly in darkness and are now working with the Holy Spirit to allow the Light of Christ to reside within. The loss of grace eliminates our share in the Lord's divinity; it reduces us to something less than we truly are; it places our soul in peril of hell. It essentially turns out the Light!

And on the flip side of that tangible loss of grace, during the Sacrament of Reconciliation there are times where one can tangibly experience the Blood of Jesus pouring into the wounds caused by the sins committed earlier. One can experience one's person being buoyed up by the infusion of His grace!

It is truly the person of Jesus Christ within the priest with us there in the confessional, laying His hands upon our head to rain His Divine Mercy down upon us. When one leaves the confessional, one knows that one is in right relationship with Jesus the Lord! One does not need to have tangible experiences to know this.

The Church in Her Wisdom realizes our need to make our relationship right with the Lord. Thus, we are encouraged to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation during the season of Lent.
We must allow the Holy Spirit to work within us during the Lenten Season. We must allow ourselves to be open to the Holy Spirit's drawing our attention to the areas within our lives where sin dominates. We must allow ourselves to be drawn into the desert to sit with ourselves and our God.

If we do not, our relationship with God runs the risk of death.

Prayer: Holy Spirit, inspire us to accept Your call to enter into the desert. Fill us with a spirit of honesty to deal rightly with those areas in our lives that You point out to us as needing work. Help us to work up the courage to bring our sin before Jesus in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Help us to embrace our Cross.

Thank You Holy Spirit for the gifts of Your inspiration! Thank You Jesus for the gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation!

Pax vobis,

J.E.